How to have a peaceful mindset around negative or toxic people.


Last year I had an internet troll come at my throat for daring to suggest that we need to put ourselves first before we can even begin to think about another person. That a peaceful mindset begins with you. That manifesting what you want starts with YOU.


Our society has trained us to fall on the knife – give everything we have to help other people.  Exhaust ourselves, spend all of our money, be selfless and generous and with no concern for your own mental health, help your fellow man.

No matter the cost to yourself.

It’s the mantra of our elders, and we are told we are selfish if we dare to take a moment to care for ourselves first.



helping people when they are negative

One of my favorite Abraham Hicks quotes goes like this:


“Well, you can’t act like you don’t care. You have to sincerely not care. And the way you come to not care – and this is tricky because people have been trained to care – and it isn’t that we want you to not be kind. It isn’t that we want you to not uplift. It’s that we want you to understand that unless you’ve cared most about alignment with self, then you have nothing to give anyone else anyway.”


So imagine this: 

Your best friend is walking along the road, and she falls into a well that is 25 feet deep. At the bottom of that well, she is battered, bruised, crying and has no idea how she’s going to get herself out of that situation. She’s feeling terrified, sad, in pain and she needs 2 things:


  1. She needs support
  2. She needs a way out.


Is it better for you to get in the well with her?  Or would it be better for you to stay up on the edge and drop a ladder down or call for help?

So often, we jump into the well with the people we love. We think that the right thing to do is support them, love them, hold them up, patch them back together and be there for them as a good friend.


But then you just have 2 people in the well, feeling all of those negative and sad emotions.

What Abraham is saying, and what I love to remind myself of is this:

Stop jumping into the well with people.

Instead, take time to raise your vibration, find your alignment and create the best possible energetic space for yourself, and THEN, you can help the people you love BETTER.


Think of it like this:

 Inside the well (inside the drama) are a ton of emotions:  fear, anxiety, pain, sadness, anger… all of these emotions that feel absolutely terrible to humans.  Emotions that are low on the vibrational scale.


Drama = low vibration.

Outside of the well (outside of the drama) is the opportunity to feel emotions like: hope, anticipation, gratitude, joy and love.  Emotions that feel really good to humans and are high on the vibrational scale.


Outside of the drama = high vibration

When you choose to stay outside of the drama and simply WITNESS it, instead of immerse yourself in it, you choose a higher vibration.


From a high vibration, you actually stand a chance at helping the people you love.

  • You’ll inspire them.
  • You can support them without the negative feelings – and often that helps them move through those feelings.
  • You’ll help your loved ones improve their vibration, which helps them move towards a more positive momentum.  This ultimately helps the drama begin to fade.


You can be of support to your loved ones without sacrificing your own manifestations and momentum.

Because remember:  you can only attract what you WANT from a high vibration.

If you’re in the well, that vibration is not high…. And the momentum shifts in the wrong direction.


So, the next question people ask:

You’re saying don’t support your family and friends?


Nope. I’m saying:  Take the time to align yourself, and then witness the situation with your family and friends.

You can support them without absorbing the negative emotions of the situation – and this is so much easier when YOU are aligned first.



One of my best friends called me recently and told me that her mom died.   She was deep in the well of grief and pain and sadness.  So many emotions happening in this well of low vibration – as they should.  

The experiences of our lives cause us to feel all kinds of emotions automatically – without our consent.  We just feel so deeply and there’s nothing wrong with that. (feelings do not = bad)


I had a few choices when she called me:

I could have gotten in the well with her. That would look like me crying with her, reliving her regrets with her, allowing myself to feel really sad and absorbing all of her grief with her.  I could have lowered my own vibration deep into that well with her.

Or, I could have done what I did instead:

I took a deep breath and thought about something I was grateful for and reminded myself not to get in the well with her because I can’t help her from the bottom. 

  • I listened to her.
  • I witnessed her big feelings. 
  • I told her I love her and that everything she’s feeling is natural and ok. 
  • I let her feel without absorbing her feelings.  I just listened.


And when the time was right – which was when she decided that she didn’t want to be in the well any more – I helped her pivot.  I asked her to tell me the good things about her mom.  Share the great, fun stories with me.  Tell me what she loved about her mom and why.


We pivoted into appreciation for a beautiful life and the person that lived it.   She told me about her mom’s addiction to shoes, and how she made the best gumbo on the planet.  She shared how much she loved her mom for leaving notes under her pillow, and she told me about the time when her mom surprised her in college with a dorm makeover.


Had I been in the well with her, I wouldn’t have had the thought to ask about the good things. Because my focus would have been on the bad feelings too.  But because I was not in the well with her, and I was consciously keeping my own vibration high – I was able to help her see a way to feel better.

Was it a permanent fix? Hell no. 

She went back to sadness, and then to anger and all of the emotions that come with loss.  The goal isn’t to ignore your feelings or not feel them – it’s to continually reach for something that feels just a tiny bit better – even for a moment. 

But the next time she tried to reach for something better, she pivoted into the good things faster and easier.

And every time it got easier and easier.


The next time someone you love needs you, remind yourself that you don’t have to jump in the well with them.

You can listen.

You can witness.

You can hold their hand.


And when they’re ready, you can guide them towards a better feeling, a better thought and a better vibration.


Because you’re a light worker who’s been a little selfish and put your vibration first, so you can actually help your loved ones in the most powerful way.